Getting a new name

There has been many an instance where I’ve felt like an imposter: being corrected on medication dosages, failing to site a drip, forgetting to write up proper pain management medication, writing nursing orders, making decisions on whether a patient should be admitted to hospital or not, prescribing morphine, signing scripts, ordering bloods and discharging patients with you signature.

Other times I’ve felt that I’m on top of the world: being thanked by a patient’s family, getting the drip sited first try, having a patient smile at me, getting a compliment from a senior, moving the laparoscopic camera around so the primary surgeon can see the appendix clearly or successfully managing a patient’s visit to the emergency center by oneself. I’ve been incredibly grateful to have wonderful seniors that understand where I’m at and who help me to grow. The medical officers and consultants have been kind, understanding, and strict. Mistakes are pointed out and their seriousness highlighted but then everything moves on and no grudges are held or condescending comments made. (This is not the case at every hospital or in every department, some doctors I’ve worked with in med school would have condescension dripping from their lips and would belittle one for not knowing an answer). Some of my classmates have had little support as they move into their new jobs.

So two weeks in and I’ve already experienced a thousand emotions flooding through me. Most of these emotions happen on call. [Call: a 24+ hour period where I am the only intern (read: baby/junior/inexperienced doctor) on duty for my department and expected to manage any issues arising in the wards, any new admissions, and assist in any emergency surgeries that occur. There is also a Medical Officer (MO) on call with you who oversees your work, does a million bits of their own, makes the final decision on plans for the patients and is the primary surgeon for any emergencies. The two of you work together throughout the 24 hours to get every patient sorted. A consultant is also on call, they are usually at home but must be available to answer any phone calls, any questions, and to come into the hospital at a moments notice if they are needed, ie. the MO may call them at 3am to take over a surgery that needs a more experienced person].

Honestly, calls suck. No one is meant to be awake and on high alert for 24+ hours at a time. It also brings with it another reaction to being called doctor – “please don’t say my name because then I will have another thing that I need to do”. The weight of responsibility becomes very real . If you don’t check the patient’s covid results, they will continue to sit in the waiting room until you do. If you don’t write up medication, the nurses cannot give it (some fantastic experienced nurses have no problem calling you out on this). If you don’t take certain bloods, or do certain tests then the day team cannot continue the patient’s care and everything is delayed another day (which costs the hospital and state a LOT of money).